So That's Why They Call it A Slimmer

I've been meaning to buy a pair of SPANX for awhile now. You know, the bodyshapers. I just wanted the kind that are like spandex biking shorts, not the whole shaping caboodle or anything. I recently bought a bodyshaper from T. J. Maxx, the long, shorts type. They were a cheaper alternative than a pair of SPANX, thus the reason for buying them. I figured they would do the trick.

While covering my cellulite and making my pants fit a little better is at the top of my wish list, that's ultimately not what I planned to achieve with these SPANX alternatives. I will admit to you the real reason I wanted a pair of long bodyshaping shorts: so my legs won't rub or stick together when I walk. While I do carry my excess weight fairly proportionately, I definitely have some thunder thighs. I can't walk long without chaffing and "rub burning" my inner thighs. And while I don't have anything against cowboys, I don't really enjoy walking like one.

Anyway, I tried these cheap SPANX alternatives and ended up walking "Rootin' Tootin' Cowboy Joe"-style after a few minutes because the darn things just rolled up. I mean, they practically became a second set of underwear and I had a roll line generously framing my butt and thighs. After that fiasco, I told myself to stop being frugal and go for the SPANX. I set my mind to buying a pair of SPANX, eventually.

Last night, I made a late night solo trip to Fred Meyer. Chris caught my horrible cold and I was re-stocking the medicine cabinet for him. Even though I moved in a couple months ago, I still hadn't finished organizing my closet; this was partially due to the fact that I ran out of hangers. This week Chris and I were working on cleaning the place up a little more and I decided I need to get my closet settled. So back at Fred Meyer, my handy dandy list told me I needed more hangers in addition to the cough syrup.

Once I walked through the automatic glass doors, I veered to the left, right to the clothing department. I tell you no lie, I really thought that is where I would find hangers. While I didn't find any empty hangers, I did pick up a shirt and sweater that conveniently came with their own respective hangers! I promptly added them to my basket (but left them in the car upon my arrival home as I didn't want to hear complaining that I was shopping for unnecessary clothes while Chris was suffering with the cold I gave him and he didn't even have any medicine, blah, blah, blah...).

After I did the full rounds and figured out that hangers are actually on the opposite side of Fred Meyer in the storage section, I started to move along. On my way into the next department I was distracted by an adorable black and white straw hat. Don't worry. I gently reminded myself that it has been snowing outside lately, I'm not going to the racetrack anytime soon, and I wouldn't want to pack it on vacation even if it is to Hawaii because it would just get smashed. (On second thought, Chris and I did talk about going to the racetrack. Maybe I should go back and buy it, even if I would be the only one wearing a giant hat. And I would look ridiculous, considering people don't typically wear straw hats to the racetrack for everyday races. Okay, you win, I won't buy it. Until I can think of a better excuse.)

Back at the store, after I talked myself out of the lovely little hat, I continued to move along and was soon confronted in the aisle by ASSETS. The packaging reminded me that I had indeed been meaning to buy a pair of SPANX. I figured that considering I never remember to do just that, and that I didn't know when the next opportunity may present itself, I should just buy these. They were a lower price alternative, but not too low in price that I didn't expect them to deliver results.

I analyzed my options and decided that I might as well go with the high-waisted shorts option rather than the medium rise. After all, my tummy needs smoothing and I wouldn't have to worry about them rolling down. So I picked up the green package and consulted with the back on which size to choose. Height: 5' even, though I always try to cop to a couple more inches. I figured I should be honest to get the best fit for my little splurge. Okay, next. Weight: that's a little rude don't you think? I've only just met you, little green cardboard box of judgment. Alright: just under 200 pounds. I guess that makes me a size: off the chart! What are you telling me? These are not going to fit you, unless you lose 10 pounds or grow an inch? How can you be so fat; is that even possible? Skip the next few meals? You are a horribly deformed freak? Reluctantly, I opted for the size that is the biggest a 5' person should be, or at least according to ASSETS anyway.

Once I pulled the shaper out of the bag, I realized I should be fine. They were like nylons or tights, so I could just stretch them out. Make it work, as Tim Gunn would say. I went into the bathroom and put one foot in. My right leg was immediately encased like a little sausage. Make it work. Pull. Stretch. Breathe. Pull. More. More. Breathe. Shimmy. Shimmy. Jump. Phew. I did it! I officially got my new little buddies on. So far I don't have any complaints, but I'm glad I didn't get the bigger size. These come all the way up to my boobs. I didn't need the same size as somebody even a centimeter taller. And one other complaint, that I will have to add about 20 minutes to my routine in the morning if I'm planning on wearing a skirt to get these suckers on. But as long as the unattractive and painful rub rash on my inner thighs is gone, it's much worth it. And besides, with all the sweating I did just putting these ASSETS on, I'm definitely going to lose weight. So that's why they call it a slimmer.