To Lose or Not to Lose?

Well this is certainly not a problem I ever thought I would have to deal with. I've just known that I will always be someone who has weight to lose; thus I should always being actively trying to lose weight. Here's the dilema:

Saturday, I found it! The dress. The one I could see myself getting married in. I had so been dreading wedding dress shopping. Being a size 16, if I have to try on a size bigger, I'm in the plus size department. And wedding dresses run on the small side. I had convinced myself I was going to have to custom order a hideous dress, not at all what I was looking for, because of my size. There just isn't a great selection of plus size wedding dresses. And I was looking to keep the budget down.

So, Saturday, I met with a bridal consultant. I ticked off my fingers all the things I was looking for in a dress, but assured her I was open to trying anything. I was just saying, I've been in this body for 24 years and I know what works and what doesn't. As for the list: preferably not strapless, I need something to support my DD's, and hopefully even thick straps because I have such broad shoulders, something simple, but not too plain, something for an outdoor setting, white, yes, but the shade isn't too important. She asks me my size and pulls me over to the rack holding the potential candidates. She then asks if a halter is okay, and I replied, that's great.

(Note: My dress is not pictured.)

She's pulls a dress off the rack. I consider it from all angles. I liked it. I wasn't sure about the long train, or if the bead work was just right, but it looked good overall. The consultant hung it in the dressing room while I browsed the racks. I pull about nine other dresses. Everything looked good, but I point I wasn't really loving any one more than the other. I was waiting to try them on before I made my decision. As I said, I was trying to stay open to anything.

I fly through dress after dress. No, that didn't work at all. My boobs would never fit in any size of that dress. That neckline to too straight. With the lace bottom, they would have to custom order that one. This one looks pink. This one makes me look fat(ter). I like this top, but not the bottom. I like this bottom, but not the top. This one is two sizes to small, I like it, but I don't know what it would look like if I ordered it, don't want to take any chances. Finally, one that zips. But it's a size 18 and is an absolute tent on me. I look like I should be housing the tables at the reception not walking down the aisle. Okay, clip it back, what would it look like smaller? It would be okay. There's beading at the bottom though, hemming the dress would be nightmare and an expensive one at that.

We get to the last dress on the rack. The ivory halter that we pulled first. I shimmy in and it zips! I can't believe it, it fits. And it had all the elements I was looking for. It looks like it was custom made for me. The waist cuts in, slimming my shape. The beading tapers off into a V and hits in exactly the right spots. There isn't any beading on the bottom, making hemming a cinch! The halter straps need to be shortened, but other than that, it fits just like a glove. I was shocked at such a good find. And it was on sale. And the floor model was clean and in good shape. I took it, receiving another 20% off.

After 1 hour and 20 minutes, I walked out of the shop with a dress in hand, and it fit the budget coming in at $500 with tax. The dilema in that you ask? As I said, it fits like a glove.

As you probably know, I've been trying to lose weight. I hoped that I could lose at least 20 pounds before the wedding. With about five months to go, that was a reasonable goal. The thing is, my weight loss has slowed (and I've gotten lazy truthfully). I decided, I didn't need the stress of trying to lose a bunch of weight before the wedding. It didn't want to starve myself to be sure I could fit in a smaller size dress.

But I think I could lose a little weight and still fit in the dress. (I mean to be healthy, I really do need to lose weight.) But I'm worried if I lose too much, there won't be time to get all the alterations done on the dress. They scolded me while I was there, you can't buy a dress and then lose a bunch of weight. Okay. Point taken. Maybe 10 pounds max? Does anybody have any idea how much would be too much? How many pounds is a size typically? Then I worry if I don't actively try to lose weight, I'm going to gain weight, and then I won't fit either. Why does everything wedding related have to be so stressful? Help!

If You're Wondering Where I've Been

Forgive me for being away so long. I'm finally feeling better; I was so sick with a flu and it lasted for almost two weeks. My head was in a fog, and I really couldn't even think straight. Besides being sick, I also was getting my butt into gear working more on my goals; however blogging got pushed to the side.

I had to buckle down and start nailing down wedding plans. While I still have no dress, which I keep hearing I'm late on getting, most everything else is at satisfactory progress. The dress is the next step. And being at my current size, my least favorite part.

I also had to put my nose to the grindstone. It's not that I have to get a job right now. With Chris' income and my savings, financially we are set. It's not even that I'm bored. Truthfully, I'm fine at home picking up hobbies and watching TV. The thing is, there is a voice in my head that keeps telling me to at least try to get into the workforce again. We all know it's not an easy task at this time, but I'm thinking about my resume. I don't want to have a large gap while looking for a job. I don't want a perspective employer think that I'm lazy or that I don't want to work, and that I don't have experience. Ultimately, I really do have a strongly work ethic and want to work. I will always strive to be the best at what I do, even menial tasks. Like I say, it's not that I'm bored, but I want to have a sense of accomplishment, and taking care of a three bedroom apartment and two cats doesn't exactly cut it for me. I want something more out of life. I want to be a success.

Some of this may come from the fact that I just celebrated my 24th birthday. While I don't feel old by any means, I feel like I don't have much to show for myself. There is a second factor that made me realize this. Chris and I made a quick shopping trip at Nordstrom Rack. I barely even wanted to shop because I didn't want to spend money, but I hated that I didn't want to shop because I LOVE shopping. (I'll save what I bought because I'm going to try and follow through with my post idea for "Confessions of a Shopaholic" which I promise to get to soon.)So, I want to earn money, my own money. While Chris is willing to give me money, I don't want to take it for shoes and clothes, or my own hobbies. I feel like I have to answer to him and it takes away my independence. He's nonchalant about it, but I'm insistent that I want to take care of myself in some way.

So that's where I've been. Working away on writing cover letters and adjusting my resume. Applying, applying, and applying, trying to find somewhere that while hire me, and let's face it, something I won't hate at the same time. I'll post again soon. Thanks for sticking with me.

Times Flies When....

Time just seems to be getting away from me. Late Tuesday night I made it back from the wonderful trip to Disneyland. We had tons of fun and took it kind of easy for once, so that was great. The weather was amazing and I definitely soaked up some much needed rays. I even celebrated my birthday while in the park even though it isn't until the 23rd, but considering I will probably just hang out at home on the actually day, I think it's okay. I missed celebrating Valentine's Day with my honey, but we celebrated early. My mom, sister, and I made a girls' day out of Valentine's Day, even having a fancy lunch with some princesses. (Corny I know, but fun none-the-less.) The one complaint I have is that the lines were much longer than I had expected them to be in February, even if it was a holiday weekend. We missed out on a couple things with the limited time, but still experienced the magic!

(One more tiny complaint: Weekends there is a firework show at night, and the park pretty much shuts down an hour before it starts, during, and even about thirty minutes after the display. I don't mind just sitting and watching, but because the whole park is basically forced to stand and watch (no sitting, except if you can find a bench that someone hasn't parked their butt on for hours in anticipation) there is nowhere to go. I was forced into the only open spot of pavement until the show began. Unfortunately, the reason it was open was due to the fact that there was a nice, large pile of vomit next to it. But I waited it out until the crew came and cleaned it up, and miraculously it was disinfected and smelling acceptable just as the show began.) Thought you might enjoy that little story, because for any of you that know me, you know, these are the things that can only happen to me.

Anyway, I wanted to be sure to post today because I'm off again! That's right, I've basically spent only one weekend at the apartment since moving in. I have a million plans, but none of them involve being here. Guess that's what happens when your only friends in the city you live in are your fiance and your two cats. (Still love it here though!) I'm heading back to my parents house tomorrow, to catch the Bon Jovi concert with my mom, sister, and family friend. This won't be my first Bon Jovi concert, but it will be the first one not in the absolutely last row in the place. I'm also hoping it will be the first one that doesn't involve the sweaty lady from the seat next to me grinding on my in her leather pants. Cross your fingers for me! (I'm telling you, these things can only happen to me.) I don't yet know if I'm staying until Saturday or Sunday, but I do know that I have a lot of junk stored up in my old room, so I promise myself that I will take some time to de-clutter more.

Speaking of de-cluttering, that goal is actually going along well. Chris and I recently spent some time in the garage and I organized and purged another nice chunk of things. I'm happy with the progress, but I know there is still a lot more work to be done! Keep on chuckin'! (Get it? It's late, forgive my stupid humor.)

Finding a job has not been going well. I can't find anything that sounds appealing, but that hasn't stopped me from applying. I haven't received a single call back. Guess I'll have to try a different approach with my cover letters. I know I should really get out there and start networking more, but I just haven't pushed myself to do it yet. Must just be fear or rejection holding me back. And if I'm really being 100% honest here, I have been a little lazy. I've been hoping for some fantastic opportunity that just comes up. That's what I've always lucked into before. I've been secretly hoping it would happen serendipitously just one more time. I think it's time to just get out and there and network.

Wedding planning is going well. We have our menu finalized and it sounds delicious. Our caterer has been so amazing to work with and I think everyone will be really happy with the choices. We've got three fancy passed hor dourves in addition to the salmon and chicken, added to some pasta salad, regular salad, an array of fresh fruit. This blurb does it no justice. My old college roommate, a graphic designer, is designing the invitations. I need to get in touch with her again, to show her some samples of what I like. (If anyone has any good suggestions for invitations, please feel free to comment.) We have a great photographer and I hear she can work wonders with Photoshop. I'm hoping she can put my head on someone else's body or at least slim me down the 70 pounds I'm hoping to shed! Only joking. I've only lost about 5 pounds total since I moved into the new place, but at least it's a start. The wedding is now 6 months away, so I better get into gear.

Although, I am proud to announce that I am under 200 pounds. Unfortunately, I'm not that proud to announce that because I have just admitted that I was over 200 pounds, but what they heck, most of us are on a weight-loss journey and completely understand. I'm going to convince myself that you're not judging; you understand that the extra weight doesn't come from sitting on the couch, eating bon-bons, and not doing much else. You know, it's there despite the limited calorie intake, the lack of carbs, the extra walks up the stairs, the hours on the elliptical, the weight-loss shakes and the starving, the pilates and the endless treadmill. You name, I've tried it all, as I'm telling myself you have, too. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we gain, but it's a never-ending struggle. While I keep saying I'd like to lose 70 pounds, the reality is, I haven't weighed that little since elementary school (I developed early). So while losing 70 pounds would put me at my dream weight, I'm thinking more realistically. By the wedding, I would love to lose 30 more pounds. It's a big goal, but attainable in six months. That's only a total of 5 pounds lost a month. I know it's easy said than done, but I really am working on "life style changes". (Yes, that's a residual quote from my Weight Watcher's days.) I'm working on being confident and happy at any weight, but I need to be healthy, too. I just don't have much energy, and that's what I really want to get back.

Enough about all that, let's get to the good stuff. Shopping! As I said, my shopping has been on somewhat of a lockdown due to my lack of job and rapidly depleting savings account. I have an idea for a weekly post: Confessions of a Shopaholic. At the end of every week (or possibly two at this point in time) I will summarize what I bought a la Becky Bloomwood in the book, Confessions of a Shopaholic. (One of my favorites.) It's entertaining, but also a good way to keep track of what I'm actually spending, because sometimes, you don't even realize what you've spent with all the little things here and there. Let me know what you guys think, if that's something worth reading to you! I will tell you that just today, I "accidentally" purchased three pairs of shoes from GoJane.com. You see, you had to spend $50 to get the free shipping and the shoes are all so cheap that it took three pairs to get to $50. Do you think Chris will believe that the Shoe Fairy came for my birthday?

Good for Me

It's a good thing I factored in Monday as a recovery day when I was setting my goal timelines. I was totally sick; yuck! I'm feeling fine today, so I guess it's back to work.

Let me just quickly mention: Kathy Griffin is my hero. Her show was absolutely amazing; upon leaving the venue, my stomach was sore from laughing so hard for so long. I wish I could be funny like that; her show was just so witty and clever. And I probably appreciated it more than most as I have never missed an episode of the reality shows that she has based a chuck of her material around: The Real Housewives, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Hoarders, and of course her own, My Life on the D List. It was just too good for words.

Sunday morning, my dad brought me a variety of McDonald's breakfasts. No, I wasn't supposed to choose which type I wanted; I was supposed to eat them all. That's great for my weight loss goal. He gets offended if I don't eat everything and he sits and watches me eat, so I can't even pretend! I stuffed way too much food down, but managed to leave a few breakfast sandwiches in the bag. Did I mention that upon my arrival on Friday, my sister greeted me with my favorite Dairy Queen treat? Yes, the yummy layer of fudge and peanuts topped with ice cream, topped with more fudge and peanuts, layered with more ice cream, finished with another scoop of fudge and peanuts dessert. I could not resist and ate the entire thing! Do you see now why I said my family sabotages my goals?

Sunday I made it home minutes before Chris' parents arrived. He had finished cleaning everything, so the place looked great. I on the other hand was a mess, un-showered with a ponytail, sweatshirt, and jeans. I was just going to have to stay that way though, because there was no time. I really like Chris' family, and it was a nice visit. His parents checked out the new apartment (which they loved) and just chatted for awhile before treating us to a great lunch. They even brought us a housewarming present: a rice cooker (which I will have to learn how to use).

You should be proud to know that Chris and I, did in fact, send out our save-the-dates last night. We just used TheKnot to create a spreadsheet of our guests, uploaded it, and used the email save-the-date option. The email is really cute and the design matches the website we created. It was so easy I should have done it a long time ago. We already have people responding, it's great. I highly recommend it. (Don't worry, paper invitations will still follow.)

I have a lead on the job-front, which I plan to check out later today. I followed one lead this weekend, but it ultimately ended up that I would need to get my real estate license, and by the time all was said and done, it would be cheaper for me to not work.

Remember the skin care goal? Yeah, that one kind of feel off already. In my defense though, my skin was actually acting up with all the attention I was paying to it. I was breaking out and the routine, even with all the moisturizer, was drying out my skin so much, that a wrinkle actually starting appearing on my forehead. Now that I stopped, by skin is looking better and the wrinkle has pretty much disappeared. So don't follow that routine...even if it was in a magazine.

This weekend, I found SITS (The Secret is the Sauce) which is a support site for bloggers. It's great and I've already found new blogs to follow and even got a few new followers myself. It inspired me to do more with my blog, so I'm working on that now, too. Thanks to everyone who took the time to visit my page. Hopefully, once I find my voice a little more, I can be a little more entertaining!

I'm Finally on Track, But How Long Will It Last?

With January quickly coming to an end, I fear that once it’s gone, my motivation will be too. I use the term motivation in the loosest sense as we all know I don’t have much. Lately, I’ve been using what little I have and powering through though. I’m actually following through with some of the goals I set. (I choose not to call these New Year’s resolutions because I am strongly against making New Year’s resolutions. Those are just made to be broken.)

I’ve actually started being more pro-active in my wedding planning. This week I even went to TheKnot.com and created a wedding website for Chris and I. By next week, I hope to even have the “save the date” emails out. (However, next week will be February, so there’s not telling if that’s going to happen.) I’ve talked recently to my bridesmaid about a dress that we both love and as she is conveniently making my invitations as well, about those too. Things are well underway.

As far as job hunting goes, I’m still slacking on that front. I just feel like I need to get a few more things under control before I can start working. At least, I was feeling that way. I going to set a date for myself: next Tuesday I must begin the process of starting to find a job. My former boss gave me a letter of recommendation, something I was always too afraid to ask for in the past, so my application materials are that much more complete. While my savings are dwindling, I’ve been curbing my shopping habit (which is incredibly hard for me). I feel guilty shopping when I have no idea when my next source of income will come in and I refuse to beg Chris for an allowance. There is no reason for that. (I understand there are many situations when one person in the relationship must support the other, but I’m just being lazy in my job search. If I truly cannot find a job soon, then I may reconsider this scenario.)

My goal to get out from under the clutter is going better than I ever expected. I’ve been very diligent in donating and throwing away things that I don’t truly need. I realize I keep mentioning how much of a shopaholic I am, but haven’t shown you much in that respect if you don’t already know me personally. That’s mostly because I’ve been trying to not even think about shopping since I don’t have the means to do it at this time. Here is one example though. I am a shoe and purse fanatic! Now, I haven’t gotten around to going through my shoes yet, but I decided last night, to sort through my purses. Besides the handful of purses that I have scattered about, I brought 3 bins full of a variety of purses: bags large enough to be used as computer totes, small clutches and tiny wristlets, from more luxurious brands like Michael Kors, Betsey Johnson, and Coach, to the one with more everyday prices points like Nine West, Nicole Miller, Rampage, and Guess, even a few Wal-Mart and Payless purchases. I don’t discriminate. While I do get a thrill buying designer brands, I truly go for the aesthetic appeal; if it’s cute, classy, stylish, or anything in between, I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Anyway, I digress. I was wanted to pat myself on the back for donating an entire box of purses. And I don’t mean some small box; I mean a full on medium moving box from Home Depot. I usually have such a hard time getting rid of purses, thinking that I can use them again sometime, but the truth is I never use them again. I’ve already moved on and bought ten more purses, some I will use and some I never will. The purses are just the beginning; I’m totally getting my junk situation under control.

I’m still not quite ready to talk about my weight loss goals. Weight is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, and I’m embarrassed to even talk about it. I always feel judged on it, but when I delve too deep into trying to lose weight, I become obsessed and it consumes me. I’m working on finding a happy medium before I start going public with my weight blogs. (I continue to work on them privately.)

Finally, I have one more goal that I haven’t mentioned on my blog. The reason being: it is so new. I was readying over the February “People: Style Watch” one of my favorite magazines. It has an article about 5 ways to getting great skin. Since I’m all gung-ho about goals right now, and my wedding in coming up in August, I figured I might as well work on getting great skin. My skin is fine, if not a little dry, nothing great. I don’t breakout much, but when I do I always get one or two giant blemishes that no matter what you do, you can’t cover and you can’t resist picking (eww, I know, but it’s the truth). Anyway, I’m working on taking better care of my skin. I’m starting with a new night regime for now: I start with some basic cream face wash, then put on a newly purchased serum that is supposed to even out skin tone, and follow that with another newly purchases ultra-moisturizing cream, top it off with cream made specifically for the eye area and you’re set. So far, I haven’t seen a change, but it’s only been about two days so stay tuned if you’re interested to find out.

Eventually, I Will Get with the Program

Okay, I know I said I was going to start writing more now that I have my computer hooked up. I probably can't get away with the excuse that our Internet has been acting up, because of course, I could have at least written and posted later. And that excuse probably flies with you even less because I was in fact at my parents' house for three nights, where the Internet was working just fine. But I'm willing to bet, you will allow the excuse that my family led to my unproductive behavior. Who wouldn't agree that family has the ability to take you completely off track? Whatever your goal: cleaning, organizing, writing, weight loss, job hunting, wedding planning, family always wants to help, but usually only makes it worse. If you don't agree, then you are one lucky duck! (Even as I type this my cat has begun to walk over my keyboard, making this post mighty tricky.)

I will get with the program soon. Really not much exciting has happened anyway. Here is a quick overview: Chris and I have cleaned the place up minimally, but it's starting to come together nicely. The good news is that I have found my camera and even the cable, so as soon as I unpack the rest of my car, I can finally post a few pictures.

On Saturday, Chris and I met with the caterer at the wedding location. It was a very quick consultation. We just went over the basics: how many people will come? buffet or not? food allergies or preferences? It will be about 85 people, buffet style, and we have no really prefernces on food except that Chris' step-sister is a vegetarian; oh, and I absolutely HATE mushrooms. We figured out the logistics and I think it's going to be beautiful. We'll have a sample menu in a couple weeks and the caterer works with the rental company for tables, tents, and chairs, the works! Stay tuned for more to come!

As I said, I went to my parents' house Sunday night. (Don't get ahead of yourself there! There was no blowout fight or exciting news that sent me rushing home to mother. I just left a lot of junk at home because of my horrendous packing skills.) Before making the drive back home, I made a list of all the things I wanted to be sure to bring back to the apartment. You'll be surprised to hear that not only did I find everything on the list, but I successfully packed it into my car and got it here!

I'm not quite ready to post about my weight loss yet. I haven't gotten with that program yet either, but I will say that my goal is to lose 65 pounds; and I do have the much to lose. More to come on that as well.

As for job hunting...that hasn't even made it's way onto page one of my "To Do" list yet. I'm getting there. Eventually...